I am so scared to fall in love because the thought of it makes me cry. Literally while I watch P and P I cry I just the thought of them seeing each other and being instantly attracted. I cry about the thoughts Darcy may have been having because he was conflicted with his love for Lizzie. I cry at the idea of feeling that much because I know when I fall in love, I will fall in love hard. Just the idea of seeing him will make me want to cry. When he tells me he loves me I will cry, and not just a tear or two, I will ugly girl cry with snot coming out of my nose because I will be so happy and grateful. If you tell these things to some people, they would judge you for thinking too much and tell you to get over it. But this is the fabric of who I am, I remember thinking about the details of every little thing since I was a child.
Being around couples has become painful. When I hear my friends giggle and kiss and talk about how nice it is for them to have someone to go to unconditionally, well it’s hard not to get a little jealous. And then I feel worse for feeling jealous because it is not “the right thing to do”. I end of feeling like a single, guilt ridden bad person. Though I am in a room with say 4 other people, I feel more and more by myself. The loneliness is almost palpable and I can hardly hear my own thoughts. The idea that I haven’t had that special intimacy for awhile makes me feel like a dried up old cobweb in the corner, collecting dust. Sure, God will send me my perfect guy when the time comes, and when I am emotionally fit enough to accept him. I was living okay with being single for a good while now and had even been enjoying it. So when this tidal wave of loneliness hit me recently, it totally caught me by surprise. I guess that emotion was buried deep for years. But right now the realty is I am alone
On top of that are all the normal pains of a transitional life. I don’t take pills for anxiety anymore so each emotion feels so…raw. I end up being irrational and crying anytime and anywhere over these everyday pains that have become so hard to feel fully. Before I had a nice medicinal bubble wrap to keep my irrational feelings insulated and safe from going up to the surface and rearing it’s ugly head. Now I have these crazy mood swings, and then I feel guilty for feeling how I feel because I am not skilled at forgetting or letting things go. It all happens so fast I cannot catch myself sometimes. I get mad at myself for this and just wish I could move on and this inner battle leaves me with wounds on my heart and mind and they end up physically aching for days at a time even after full doses of excedrin.
I wish I was strong enough right now to be always happy around other happy people. Everything is so overwhelming sometimes that I can noblonger fake it. I literally have to pray through ordinary moments just to be a civil person, because I know I have a snappy temper and can get easily annoyed when my patience and emotional strength runs thin. I didn’t have to worry about this much on the medication. It was so easy for me to just let things go. But without it it’s like I can feel things physically clinging to my heart: anger, bitterness, things I found stupid that someone did. It’s so heavy it’s just so much junk. I am getting so weary of this and it’s only the first true couple weeks without my chems.
I know things will get better. But damn these growing pains just hurt. I need some peace and quiet just to get a wrangle on my mind,plus get things done in life. If I put things off then i get mad at myself again for procrastinating and not putting my foot down when I knew in my heart that I should have.
* I feel like I got a little insecure while writing this post and started writing too many details. I’m feeling a little insecure now because I think I decided to start showing people this post, in the midst of writing this. But now I don’t know. I just want to be alone and not worry about anyone, and that is hard for me so I end up blowing up about it. Ugh I’m tired of thinking now I’m gonna watch a movie or sleep.
**(I wrote this over a week ago. A friend told me I should just post it, and would probably make me feel better. So, here I go)